Breastaurants – a definitive guide

Have you ever been faced with the difficult choice between Hooters, Bikinis or Twin peaks? I haven’t, but if that situation ever arises, this is the guide that will help you decide.

Bikinis Bar and Grill – An almost entirely Texas based phenomenon. Don’t ask me why the name didn’t warn me but I was a little taken aback when I walked in and the waitresses were actually wearing bikinis. I ordered the fried cheesecake because – why not? It was glorious. Everyone else’s food looked good and the menu was fairly extensive. Slightly too many families eating there for me to not be confused.

Our waitress was another story. Service was slow and when we asked for our cheque it took her at least fifteen minutes to get because she was too busy flirting was a fat trucker for extra tip. THEN we realised that the tip had already been added. Not cool Bikinis, not cool.

Conclusion: Bikinis is for the girls who don’t have big enough breasts to work at Hooters.

Hooters – The original Breastaurant experience. I ordered a chicken finger/cheese/fried sandwich thing. As a general rule, if everything on your plate is the same orangey brown colour then you’re going to enjoy your food. This was no exception. Our waitress was nice enough, and I imagine the atmosphere is pretty good although we went at a quiet time of day. Best part? This man who had clearly come straight from the Bass Pro across the street. No lie, even his UNDERWEAR was camo. Incredible.

Conclusion: You can’t go wrong with a classic.

Camo underwear and cowboy boots.


Twin Peaks – Well, we would happen to go to Twin Peaks on the night of the Bikini contest, wouldn’t we? Selena was openly devastated that the movie we were going to see started before the contest but we all know she would have won if she’d entered anyway so she can find some comfort in that. Because of the event the place was packed and by the time Christina and her friend Mariah arrived they were trying to charge a $10 cover to get in. Fortunately the manager and I were on the same level and he said we didn’t have to pay it. In hindsight he might have thought we were on a lesbian double date and let us in for free because of that?

Our waitress was surprisingly nice and even apologised for being busy (refreshing to have a friendly waitress in a Breastaurant seeing as we obviously weren’t going to tip her a whole lot just because her boobs were out) and the Smokehouse Burger I ordered was great! The menu was a little limited, especially the dessert section which listed Twin Peaks Sundae, Bread Pudding and Scenic views…

Conclusion: A real Breastaurant experience, enhanced by the fact that they sell wrist-aid mousepads that look like this.

photo (8)

I have ranked each restaurant on a scale of three (three being the best, one the worst) for food, service, boobs, butts and general atmosphere.

Hooters Bikinis Twin Peaks
Food 1 3 2
Service 2 1 3
Boobs 2 1 3
Butts 3 1 2
General Atmosphere 2 2 3
Overall 10 7 14

As you can see, Twin Peaks is the clear overall winner but if you’re looking for food then Bikinis is the way to go and Hooters is the place to be if butts are your thing. If anyone wants to experience Twin Peaks for themselves I will happily join you for round two!


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