This year I brought my car up to Leicester so that the senior women’s rowing team can get to training in Nottingham without paying out of the nose for the train. I anticipated freedom, trips to ASDA to get brownies, sing-a-longs in the car. I did not anticipate having two crime incident numbers and a personal police officer assigned to my case.
Welcome to Victoria Avenue, where the parking is made up and the points don’t matter.
I thought the first three weeks on the street was bad. I shop owner whose property backed onto the street decided that I was in his spot. The parking is not assigned but hey ho after a meeting with a community support officer I moved my car to the end of the street.
That’s when things really kicked off. Within two days the delightful Marie knocked on my door. Marie owns number 12 but does not live there. Marie is rude to me and makes me sad. Anyway, Marie told me to move my car. I said I would happily move my car if she wasn’t so rude. Marie continued to be verbally abusive.
Then Marie did this.
So I called the police.
Then Marie did this so I could not move my car.
So I called the police again because I couldn’t get my car out for training and they came round. They said that they could tow her car (which would cost her £200 + a £30 ticket) or just ticket her and try and get in contact with her so she would move it within the next hour.
I opted for the second option because I’m not a horrible person.
Then Marie came round to move her car, but not before coming to my door and threatening George and I. Apparently parking my car in her ‘spot’ makes me both a bitch and a slut and she plans to “fuck us up”. Fortunately we had the forethought to record the confrontation and now we are waiting for the police again. Life in Leicester continues to be entertaining.
This year I am doing a poetry module as part of my course. Each week we are required to write a poem in a certain form, this week was couplets and I decided to write about my current parking situation. This may not be a masterpiece of form, but I found the subject matter enjoyable to write about.
The ongoing dispute on Victoria Avenue
Outside a quaint and humble dwelling,
Tempers have been slowly swelling,
On this avenue a quarrel appeared,
The ugly head of travesty has reared.
A bloody feud is being fought,
While the rights of land are violently sought.
Tranquillity shattered, dreams in tatters,
A distinct lack of local grey matter.
Though somehow now the police are involved,
There is no murder longing to be solved.
CSI Leicester my story is not,
This issue is a parking spot.
Why is this happening? Why do you care?
Why can’t I just park my car over there?
This single lane road is a free for all,
Yet my moving in has started a brawl.
I jump when there’s a knock on the door,
In case they arrive to settle the score.
The problem you’ll find, I’m young and I’m tough,
And really not afraid of getting rough.
And I keep thinking there’s a stick in your arse,
How else would you be so stressed over cars?
But there’s no ‘my’ spot, there is only ours,
There are no parking higher powers!
A line has been drawn in the sand down this street,
Those for the new girl and those for the fleet.
Despite it all I continue parking,
Why? Because you’re all fucking barking.